My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
