so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
