Please, let me fuck your mom
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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