the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
