Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
