Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
