highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
