How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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