my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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