I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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