I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
