haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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