Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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