the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
