did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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