so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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