All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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