im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
