I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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