im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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