one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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