ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The air was thick with penises
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
