Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
