her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
