I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.