I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!