Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK