She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.