i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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