New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
