You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
be right there i have to get my cape
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
