I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
