my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
