It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
