Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
