I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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