im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
nutella sex= disaster
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
