i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i think im in europe. pls send help
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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