I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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