Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
