she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
