Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
