Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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