Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
