Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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