a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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