Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
