I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
