Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
