I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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