never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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