cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
