Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
