i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
