ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
