My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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