You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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