I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
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my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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