I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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