This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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