How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You're so nebulous sometimes
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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