I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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