Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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