if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
