I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
