you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Randomize
