He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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