I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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