i need an iv and a liver transplant
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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